HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL

e m P t Y

Tried to write a letter; In ink
I've got a piece of paper; But it's Empty

{/Henry Lamer and the Last Words --

Wednesday, February 08, 2012 ( 1:57 AM )

"I think things are not working out."

There is no good way to break up. Or at least, i don't know that it exist. I am here because there is no one i can turn to, or i should say no one i feel like turning to. Because how i feel cannot be expressed verbally. Some things are very hard to put across.

Even now, i don't have any idea how to express myself. So i shall just type whatever i feel.

This feeling sucks. I know it's my fault. I know its my decision. Her words sting. The truth hurts. There is no other way. It had to be done. It sounds like an excuse, but it will benefit her in the long run. I am bringing her towards the wrong direction, but not spiritually. I am not a good boyfriend, i will never be one. Because there are certain aspects of me that is very hard to change and will always be irritating her. I condemn myself even though she didn't.

I know this sounds bloody fake, but, its really for you. Because i know that if this carries on, i might get more frustrated more often, meaning i might do more of the things that you dun like, like explaining myself and everything. And one day, i just might explode at you. Which is the last thing i want to do to you. I will never want to shout at you or vent my anger on you. I cannot let them happen.

And you are losing your independence because my ineptness in helping you to gain it back. Me being unwilling to be more selfish and let you down that path. I am not boasting at how selfless i am. Its not. Its just that i am too weak to be firm when i need to and be insistent when i have to.

I am weak.

Do i believe in our relationship? Yes, i do, with all my heart, from the beginning. I have my doubts at some point of time. But i have never gave up, i kept trying, until now. I am so tired.

This feeling sucks. Having to leave someone behind even though the person is the only person in the world whom you love so much and whom have done so much for you. You forgiving my sins, you accepting my beliefs, you bearing with my nonsensical jokes and you being always there for me makes my decision so much harder to make and even harder to stick with it. It's not easy, even though i know it seems to you its the easy way out for me.

How your words hurt, but it doesn't matter, coz i have hurt you too. Yes, i did not discuss this with you. But i know, there will never be an outcome to our discussion. And my heart will just soften and things will stay the same. But i can't do that. Because i am selfish. Because i am egoisitic. Because i believe what i have done will be right for you. Not now. but in the future. And i pray hard that what i have done is the right thing to do.

My heart aches. Really. But i have to be firm this time. You are a strong girl, you will come out from this even stronger, and tougher. And one day, the real true guy, will soften your heart, and take the place where he belongs, in your life.

My dearest, you changed my life. In more ways then you can imagine. If there is ever a promise that i will definitely keep, its that there will never be another after you. Because some things are irreplaceable.

Goodbye, my dearest. I will miss you dearly...

With love,

Pug...

{/Henry Lamer and The Supposingly End of The World --

Saturday, December 31, 2011 ( 8:51 AM )

Ahhhh... Back to my annual new year dissolution and resolution. =D Hello everyone! How's everything? Hope you had a great year that will pass within a few hours. Is there anything that you want to do this year but you haven't done? If you haven't, better go get it done now! No more time! Go go go!

Very soon, the 1 is going to change into 2. Like the saying goes, A new year, a new beginning. But before going on to what i wanna achieve in the new year, let's take a look at what i have achieved and what i haven't achieved this year. =D

Firstly, let's take a look at my last year's resolution.

1) World peace. Well, it's pretty clear the world isn't anymore peaceful than last year, what with all the political unrest in the middle eastern countries (or is it africa? Lol) On a more personal basis, i feel that i have done my best as a nurse. As a friend, i continued to be friendly to others, dont hold grudges towards anyone as much as i can, spent as much time as i can with my family and wasn't rude towards my teachers. =D 8/10

2) Spend more time with old friends. For the first half of the year, it was pretty much the same as the previous year. Reason being, i still stayed in hall. However, once school ended, the situation improved. I met up with more of my old friends, took the initiative to sms them or contact them. 7/10

3) Be more God fearing. This i definitely did. God has become increasingly important in my life. And especially in the period when my parents went overseas for 2 months, i attended meetings regularly. That really aid my improvement spiritually. =D i am very happy about this. 9/10

4) Prioritize. *sighs* Well, this is hard to evaluate. If this were to be evaluated based on my academic results, i would say it is slightly better? If this were to be evaluated based on the other aspects of my life. I would say so so. Definitely can be better. 5/10

So out of 40, i got a total of 29. Which isn't very good. =( Never mind, there's always room for improvement. And nobody is perfect. =D

Secondly, let us take a look at my ups, or what i have achieved this year. =D

1) Got a girlfriend

What more can i say? I finally met someone who is understanding, cute and so accepting of me that it seems incredible that someone like her can exist. She has her flaws, just now everyone else in the whole wide world. But it doesn't matter. Because no one is perfect in this world, but she is perfect for me. =D

2) Went to Indonesia twice

And for different reasons too! =D First was for my first OCIP trip in my life, to power up serdang! We painted walls, cooked our own meals, got GE together, sang songs, went sightseeing, conducted health screenings, did role plays and have fun together! All in all, it was a really really great trip and i will remember it for a very long time to come! =D

The second time to Indonesia was with my girlfriend and her family for holiday! I had a really wonderful time, seeing the life of my girlfriend in indonesia, and getting to know her family better. Her dogs are really cute. Makes me wanna keep a dog too! =(

3) Dance till no tomorrow

I participated in my first ever dance performance! Ok maybe not first. First MAJOR dance performance! All that rehearsals, all that rushing from hospital to rehearsals, all that late nights was all worth it in the end. It was a night that blew my mind away!!

4) Left Hall

Well as promised, a year of hall stay and that's it. =D It was a very memorable affair, all the friends i made, all the activities i participated, all the stupid things i did, all of it made hall stay a very fun and memorable affair! =D

5) Started year 2 of nursing!

Thankfully, i made it to year 2. Lol. I worked harder and smarter this semester, with the help of my wonderful girlfriend. Got slightly better results. But still failed a module =( Helped conduct a FOC for the juniors as well. But i did participate in less nursing related activities this year though. Hmmm... Oh ya! I helped to ensure a successful Conventus as well! =D awesome stuff! Oh! And i stepped down as class rep! =D

6) Quit facebook

Hahahha, my greatest truimph! In a way it is. Because everyone is on it, but i am not. So that makes me different! =D Lesser distractions socially, and able to locate my true friends more easily. =D

7) Played volleyball

Ok this is kinda noob for an achievement. Hahaha.. The only reason i put this is so as to commemorate my Sheares Hall team, and as well me participating in recre Volleyball. =p Oh, and a successful tint as a TM too!

OK! That's about it i think! Can't think of any more significant events at the moment. It has, once again, been a pretty eventful year. Every year is an eventful year, come to think of it. =D and that's good! That means that there is meaning, there is a purpose in my life. =D

And while i live in this microscopic version of my life, the world out there is getting worse and worse, more violence, more disasters, whether man made or not. *sighs*

Ok! Enough about the depressing stuff. Now, what are my new year resolutions this year? =D

1) World Peace

Need i elaborate more? One can never have enough of it. =D

2) Achieve spiritual goals

I really hope to serve God more. Therefore, i have to work really hard in order to do so. There are certain goals i want to achieve. And i really hope i can do it! =D

3) Lose weight

Yeah, kinda superficial. But i am kinda fat. =( So i will do something about it.

4) Be a better boyfriend

I wanna be a better boyfriend for adeline, and i know i can, and i will. =D

5) Dance

I really miss dancing, and i really really want to do popping again.

6) Do well for studies

Please, let it be this time. =(

Ok then, it's about 1 hour into the new year. therefore....

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!!

{/ --

Friday, December 16, 2011 ( 7:25 AM )

I really need to shut my mouth sometimes, or maybe, all the time.

Using Mr Singa's words, "Shit man."

{/ --

Thursday, December 15, 2011 ( 8:28 AM )

Henry Lamer and He Is Back!

Hello everyone! I am back! Lol. Like finally right? I know man. It's been a while. A long while actually. Oh well. And blogger don't seem to let me choose my font size, font colour and font type. It must hate me for not blogging for such a long time. =p Oh wait, with the new interface, i can! =D

Anyway, i am here for a sad reason. Very sad.

"What do you want from me?"

It's a question that i have always wanted to ask you. But yet, i never did. I held it inside me, wishing that the day would never come when i have to ask you this. Incredibly, you asked me first. =(

All i ever wanted, was for you to be happy. To see your smile, to make you laugh, to surprise you, to give you as much as i can, to compromise and never to complain. But all i managed was to make you cry, feel sad, unhappy, angry, frustrated, upset, disappointed, lose hope in me and lose all expectations in me. Therefore, my question is:

What do you want from me, my dearest? =(

What exactly do you want from me? I want you to be happy, so i asked you not to be sad, to cheer, to not cry. But, you don't want that. You feel that i am restricting your freedom.

I want you to feel less upset about things, so i tried to explain things, make things a little better. But you said i am just trying to defend myself, and i am not looking from your perspective. I agree sometimes i will feel that why can't you think like me. But i know you are not me, that's why i never get angry at you. Or i should say rarely.

I have done everything i can to make you smile, to surprise, but all those little things pales in comparison to the one time events in your life. Why? =(

I admitted that i have poor memory, that i am imperfect, so i try my best to make things up in whatever way i can. But, its not good enough. Because the feeling is gone for you.

I compromise, i sacrifice, i apologise, i act silly, act cute. All that, is not enough. Do you know how much my heart hurt now?

Am i trying to say i have done much more for you than you have for me? No, i am not. Because that is not true. And such things cannot be compared. But, i must admit that sometimes i do feel that way. I have made mistakes in our relationship, things that i should never have done in my entire life. But yet, you forgave me, time and time again. And i really really appreciate that. Because you hold such a important place in my life, i cannot imagine it without you.

But it's two different things my dear... =( You can't judge me on every aspect of our relationship on that. Because it will make things very difficult for us. =( Whatever i do, you will never appreciate, because you will keep remembering whatever bad things i have done and all the good things i do will appear much lesser in significance. Is this fair to me?

I love you, from the bottom of my heart. I want things to go smoothly between us, and i believe we can, as long as we set our hearts to it. But we must work together my dear.

I need you to have just a slightly bigger heart, to appreciate me more. That's all i ask for. I have done many things i don't like, they may seem insignificant to you, but they are to me. I have to take huge steps to be with you too, why can't you do the same? I have never force you to do things that you cannot, why can't you do the same?

I want us to last till time ends. that's how much i want to be with you. Let's make that happen.

Please... =(

{/ --

Sunday, July 03, 2011 ( 8:03 AM )

Henry Lamer and the Letter Y

Why? I really don't understand why. I am having a headache now but i think it's because of staring at the computer for too long. Lol.

But that's not the point here. My dearest, i really don't understand why we are having this argument. I love you to bits, really. And i would do anything within my ability to make you happy and smile. But why are we arguing over a dinner? =(

As in, i really understand how important this dinner is to you:
1) Your dad asked me personally
2) It's your birthday dinner

And i really mean it when i said if you ask me on any other day, i would have said yes. Coz you only asked me this afternoon, and my mum was already prepared for dinner. I didn't felt it was nice on my part to suddenly tell her that i am meeting you for dinner. =(

You know how important my family is to me, just like how yours is to you. Like you won't go out with me if you are going out with your parents. You cannot ask me to compare you and my family. =(

You are definitely important to me, and it's very hard for me to make a choice between the 2. =( Do you know what you are doing to me by asking me to choose? =(=(=(

And i never doubted your feelings for me. But can you blame me for being scared and worried when you keep telling me about hot guys you hang out with, and suddenly saying you hate me, despite me asking you "Really?" I am inperfect, i have my insecurities too.. I thought you would understand that about me...

Nothing has changed between us, my dear. It's just that we need more time to understand each other. That's why i hope we will be together for as long as time allow. =) I will never give up on us. But please do understand that i am human too. I will start having wild thoughts if you keep saying stuff that does not do any good to our relationship too...

So do forgive me for what i have said, and hope you understand where i am coming from either.. I have made many mistakes, i admit. But i have apologise for every single of them and i always try and make myself to become a better boyfriend. I really hope you can see my effort too, instead of just my flaws. You have always understood me, which is what i love about you. =) So i really really hope that you can see that i really put in effort for us. =)

Love you...

*sighs* I doubt you will see this entry anyway.. Hope it's not too late by the time you see this... *sighs*

{/ --

Friday, May 20, 2011 ( 9:08 AM )

Henry Lamer and the 10 different type of smiles

You must:

Out of the 16, pick 10 different types of smiles and start practicing them. You will need it soon. That's all! =D It's that simple! =D

1. Sweet Smile.

2. I am in Love Smile.

3. Most Beautiful Smile.

4. Happy Smile.

5. Thoughtful Smile.

5. I know it all Smile.

6. The Sparkle in The Eyes Smile.

7. I am the Boss Smile.

8. Lucky Smile.

9. Amused Smile.

10. Naughty Or Up-to-No-Good Smile.

11. Satisfied Smile.

12. Contented Smile.

13. Confident Smile.

14. Proud Smile.

15. Sexy Smile.

16. Cheered Up Smile.

{/ --

Wednesday, April 27, 2011 ( 8:53 AM )

Henry Lamer and the Future in Progress

I don't know who i can talk to about this. So i came here. The one and only place that i can go to when i can't think of who else to go to...

Why aren't you talking to me? =(

I really never expect this to happen. As in i said it so sudden, that i didn't even have time to register it yet.

I know you mean well, i really do. I know you just want to accompany me and you didn't want me to eat alone. But i really didn't mean to sound like i am chasing you away either. All i wanted to say was you sounded like you were rushing me. But i didn't mean it in the negative way.. =(

You misunderstood me... =(

I feel really really bad. Because time and time again, i have made you cried, made you sad, when the only thing i am suppose to do is to make you smile, make you happy. =(

I still remember you once told me when we first got together. You said that when you first saw me, you thought that my future girlfriend would be a very happy and fortunate girl.

Right now, i am quite sure you don't feel like a happy and fortunate girl. =(

I am really really very sorry... =(

Remember how i used to ask you to always reconsider your options? My feelings for you never change, i still see my future with you, and i cannot imagine it with anyone else.

But, if one day you were to feel differently about me, i will never blame you. Because i am not perfect. And perhaps, i have flaws which you will never accept, flaws which you will never agree with.

It may sound cliche, but all i want is you to be happy. That's all. If you feel that i can't bring it to you, i would sincerely hope that another guy there can bring it to you...

For now, i will keep trying my best to be the guy i think you should deserve. Forgive my many flaws. =( I promise i will try my best to change. and sometimes i really say things without thinking, even if my intentions are not wrong. So please do bear with me k?

Love you..

Maybe the timing
Is beating our hearts; We're Empty

{/miscellaneous --

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